Meaghan Leaves for Canada. (sigh).

Sunday morning at 5am ... Isaac and I took our Meggie May to the airport to see her off as she left for a 10-day Tim Horton's Leadership Camp in Toronto, Canada. Halis offered to take her ... knowing how hard it is for me to say goodbye to anyone, let alone one of my babies ... but for some reason I felt I needed to be the one.


Meaghan and I have hard a hard time these last couple weeks. She is having a hard time adjusting to our rules, our way of living, and to the permanacy of her new life. In turn, we are having a hard time trying to do right by her while also understanding the emotional turmoil that has been her life thus far. I see Meaghan as a daughter (always have said she was the daughter that I somehow forgot to give birth too). But she holds us at arms length ... and though we can't blame her ... we find it hard to convince her that everything we do for her is with her best interests in mind.

The thing is ... I love this girl ... BIG TIME. And I don't need her to love me back (though I think she might ) ... but I do want/need her to know just how much she is loved. And I wanted to give her a loving send off ... no matter what sort of PTSD I have regarding "leaving" children (leaving Isaac in Haiti three times during our adoption process nearly killed me).

So, with Isaac clad in his pajamas ... and none of us having gotten any sleep ... we joyfully goofed around the airport.

Isaac kissed Meg as often as possible.

And we waited and watched as the plane prepared to take Meg off to a whole new adventure. But little did either child now ... my heart was so heavy. I didn't want her to go ... but I didn't want her to know it. My heart was aching at the thought of not being able to contact her for 10 days ... of not knowing who was going to be taking care of my girl ... of not knowing whether she would enjoy it or want to come home, etc. This trip was scheduled for her long before she moved in with us ... and I am not sure I could have allowed for it if it were up to me. But I guess I am thankful that it was not up to me ... as I am certain she needs this separation right now. The camp allows for no electronics, no ipods, no computers, etc. So she will be forced to do some self-reflecting, some reading, some writing ... and a whole lot of one-on-one fun. All good for her.

But as the plane was getting prepared ... I felt like my heart was sinking. Thoughts screaming through my head ... Does she know how much I love her? ... Does she know that we are never going to give up on her? ... Does she truly believe that we will miss her or does she think that we (like others before us) will want to be "rid" of her? Does she truly know how wonderful she is? ... Does she truly feel loved and worthy of love? My stomach ached with worry and tears were hard to fight back. But I didn't want her to worry about my feelings ... so I held it together as best I could (Klonopin helped).

Then it was time to board the plane. She wanted to just walk away, wave and make an easy escape to the plane. I however, couldn't let her. As she tried to create an unemotional leaving ... I grabbed her tight and told her how much I love her. She stoically replied that she loved me too and then quickly boarded.

I walked away ... went back to the window ... stared at the plane ... tears streaming down my face. Loads of memories entered my consciousness ... memories of leaving Isaac in Haiti ... wondering if he knew how much he was loved ... wondering if he was safe ... hating every moment of being apart from him while our adoption process was painstakingly being completed ... somehow feeling those same feelings all over again as I watched Meg's plane slowly departing.

Then, in the midst of all these thoughts ... my cell phone rings ... at 7am. Looking at the number, I wonder why in the world a client would be calling this early ... but I answered anyway. I am so glad I did. --- "Studio 36, this is Jodi. Can I help you?" --- "Hi. It's me, Meg. I borrowed another passenger's cell. I can't talk long but I want you to know I love you." --- "Oh Meggie, I was crying before but now you got me sobbing. I am SO proud of you! I love you so much and I hope you have a wonderful time! I love you!"--- "Ok, just wanted you to know I love you." --- "Thank you Babe. Have SO much fun. Bye for now." --- "I will. Bye for now."

I sobbed. I sobbed. I sobbed. She was so thoughtful to borrow a phone and tell me what she did. And that is SO Meg. She can tell me in a Facebook message that she loves me ... but never in person. But I sucked it up. She loves me. I am beginning to believe it. And in turn, I am beginning to believe that she can feel my love for her. I hope. Perhaps we are making progress. I hope.

So, a piece of my heart is in Toronto right now ... hopefully having the time of her life. And I will keep VERY busy for the next 9 days ... until I pick her up ... and cry all over again at how thankful I am that she is back safe and sound. I am sure this time away is good for us all. Still doesn't stop me from being emotional about it.

Thank God for other parents who have reached out to me lately to tell me my feelings are far from crazy. And that they too STILL have a hard time watching their ADULT children head off on various adventures. Motherhood is intense ... when done "right". Thank you to all the Moms who understand me ... even better than I may understand myself. I can't believe she has only been a permanent part of our daily life for like 3 months now ... but it will only be 5 years till she sets off into the world on her own. I will need you veteran Moms then too! And that Klonopin!

Love,

Jodi

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The 'Incredible' Hulk.

I swore that SO many things would or would not happen when I was to be a Mom. I swore that my children would be vegetarian, would be ignorant of all things Disney, would barely watch television, would only play with handmade toys, etc...etc... And I have failed on all of the aforementioned. I also swore that my children would not watch violence of any kind ... especially of the comic book variety. But alas, the Incredible Hulk has entered our lives, our home, our play, and our consciousness. I am not quite sure how this has happened. I try to look back on where it all started ... and I think it had something to do with a box lot of toys that I bought at Goodwill (I kept my promise that my children would not shop at WalMart - and would instead but all their toys at thrift shops). I believe there was a hulk toy in the lot ... and I remember Isaac asking me who he was .... and that he became totally intrigued with my answer. Now - we are a Marvel comic family ... Iron Man being my person fave.

So - how do I sleep at night knowing that I have allowed punching, kicking and smashing into our household? Well, it is simple really. For one, my son is a very good boy. He knows right from wrong ... loves his fellow human beings ... and has a generous and gentle nature. Secondly, the Marvel characters are "heroes / heroines". They fight for "good". And although I absolutely believe that "good" and "bad" are totally subjective (in fact my favorite quote is: "There is neither good nor bad, only thinking makes it so." by William Shakespeare) ... I recognize that children his age do not have the brain capacity to think subjectively. They understand the concrete. So, for them, there are good people and bad people. And there are victims of bad people. It is those victims that need a "hero" ... and that is what my son appreciates about watching the Hulk, Batman, Spiderman, Wonder Woman, Iron Man, etc. He sees them as heroes who fight evil for the benefit of us all. I can live with that. In fact, for now, it makes my job as a parent a bit easier. How? Well, he wants to be like those heroes. During private play, he punches, kicks and smashes the air ... at those bad guys ... and saves the universe. He is the victor ... always. He believes in himself. He believes that good always triumphs.

He will learn later that power and heroism do not need to come from brute strength. He will learn later that people like Martin Luther King, Ghandi, Mother Theresa, etc. were superheroes of their time --- without the need for punching. He will learn later that "good" and "evil" are not so clear cut. But for now, this is okay. My little man is exerting his testosterone by saving his imaginative world of all evil-doers.

.... And I am continuing to learn to change the rules of our house to suit the people in it. I am learning that everything that I thought about being a Mom before I became a Mom is all up for review and transformation.

Welcome, Mr. Incredible Hulk. You were an unexpected guest ... but we are glad to have you on board.

Love,

Jodi

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Motherhood ... Part 1 of ___.

I recently learned about a Mom who paid for her daughter's years and years of ice skating lessons by collecting 5 cent can/bottle deposits in her spare time. She scouted parks, dumpsters, etc. in order to gather up the funds she would need to help her daughter make it to the Olympics - her daughter's ultimate goal. And make it to the Olympics this girl did --- thanks to Mom.

That story is an example of what Motherhood means to me --- doing whatever it takes to help your child to be the best that he or she can be --- no matter the effort, the sacrifice, the humiliation (picking cans out of dumpsters), etc. --- as the rewards are well worth every effort made.

Now, please don't confuse my sentiments with those who put their childrens' needs so far ahead of their own, that they lose themselves in the process. That is not good for anybody, including the child ... and is not what I am suggesting here. But to make honest, loving, well-thought out, and well-managed efforts in order to do what is best for your child and your family ... that is the beauty of parenthood to me.

So - when I was recently sitting at our local Denny's Restaurant with my husband and child - and overheard a mother talking to her friend about why her latest man dumped her - because he didn't want to be with someone who had a child - and said child was sitting right there listening to the entire conversation - hearing her mother describe the burden of motherhood --- well, I just wanted to slap that mother. How dare she make her child feel like an imposition! Where is the parenting effort here? What made her think that this was an appropriate conversation for her child to hear? Did she think of her kid at all? Can people seriously be so self absorbed that they cannot manage to think about their own babies? I know that the answer is yes --- but it never ceases to baffle me.

Isaac is the greatest gift of my life. How could I not work every day to be worthy of such a wonderful gift? He is also the greatest gift that I can leave to this world. How could I not make sure to raise him up in love, self-confidence, and as much wisdom as I can impart? Most importantly, Isaac is his own greatest gift. How could I not remind him daily of how wonderful he is and how much brighter the world is for his presence? To insult him or dismiss him is unthinkable to me ... and to most of the wonderful mothers I share my life with.

Now look, I am not worthy of the "Mother-of-the-Year" award, I am certain --- (maybe a close runner up :) --- so I hope I am not coming off arrogant here. But darn it all --- there are ways to raise kids up in happiness and self-confidence --- and I am beginning to lose patience for those who don't seem to make the effort to do so. I seem to have eyes and ears for "bad" parenting lately. For some reason, I am seeing it everywhere --- and it pains me.

But then there are those who dumpster-dive to raise money for their child's skating lessons. Those Moms make me smile. They remind me that the greatest "occupation" in the world is that of a Parent. I love my job ... and "I shall try to be worthy of my post" (Quote from Disney's Peter Pan).

Please comment :)

Love,

Jodi

P.S. I call this post "Part 1 of ___" because I have made some other Motherhood observations that I wish to share and discuss with you all.

P.P.S. My son starts private swimming lessons next week, and I am seriously considering doing some dumpster diving of my own. With all the fairs we have around here, should take me no time to score some funds for lessons :)

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Seriously?

Seriously? Did my 4-year old Baby Boy just lose his first tooth? Are such things possible? He is only 4. I am not ready for this yet. He is my baby. He is not supposed to be growing "Adult" teeth yet!

Yes, I cried. Like a total freaky Mom. As though he were headed to college or something. And then my husband said ... "Wow, pretty soon he'll be asking to borrow the truck." Gee, thanks honey.

How is it that I can be a stay-at-home, unschooling Mommy ... who is around to witness his every move ... and yet, I still feel as though he is growing so fast, and that I am missing it all?

Love,
Jodi

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Isaac Begins Baseball.

Yesterday, Halis and I became parents with a child who is enrolled in a sport. You know - the parents that have to get their kid to his practice on time, who watch their child's every move to be sure that he is safe, the parents who endlessly root for their baby, who eye the coach carefully to make sure that he is being fair to their little man, and the parents who politely (but firmly) ask the other kid to stop shoving their child, etc...

What a transformation in the relationship between parent and child. This was Isaac's first time being taught by anyone other than his Mommy or Daddy. The first time he was sent off into a group to learn, share, play and communicate entirely on his own. It was a bit scary for me... and maybe for him.

Because there were so many kids at this first day of practice, Daddy wanted to stand by Isaac (as other parents did with their children) in order to walk him through his very first group experience. However, I was set on letting Isaac find his way through it without our help. But after a few bouts of utter chaos, and a look of fear on Isaac's face, Daddy decided to walk his little man through the practice. This turned out to be a good idea, as one particular kid kept shoving Isaac ... and Daddy gave him a bit of a talking to.


Anyway - it seems that many parents prepared their children for this first practice and "assessment day". In order to create teams, all children had to be assessed for their skill levels in various areas of baseball (throwing, hitting, running, etc). I had no idea about this - as I thought Isaac was going to be taught everything he needed to know by his coaches. Well - believe me - there were those competitive parents who must have been practicing with their 4 year-olds for months in order to have their kids rated at the highest levels. I even heard one Dad angrily shout... "I told you, look me in the eye when I am throwing the ball to you!!!" Wow. Ok. That is so not us.

So - our kid looked like a bit of a doofus. He had no idea what he was suppossed to do in any of the areas of assessment. (I guess watching Disney's Chicken Little and various Red Sox games did nothing to help his understanding of the game). But he was smiling! And Mom & Dad kept telling him how great he was.

When it was time to hit the ball off the T - Isaac would slam the T instead. When it was time to run the bases - Isaac would just run around chasing the other kids in an effort to play tag. When it was time to catch the baseball - Isaac thought it was fun to just let it roll between his legs. Good times. But by the end of it --- at the very last assessment ---and due to our loving instruction --- Isaac slammed the ball right off the T in what might have been a Grand Slam hit were he in the middle of a game (Ok, maybe not - but at least a single). And he was proud. And hungry. And done. And wanted Home now. And so did we.

So now we are a baseball family. At least for the next couple months. And Isaac will learn much while playing this sport --- that which I cannot teach him at home: commitment to team, teamwork, sportsmanship, respect for Coach, etc. This is good. But let me tell you -- if that kid shoves my baby again, I am so going to kick his Mama's ass --- good sportsmanship be damned.

Love,

Jodi

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The Baseball Helmet.

I love buying "dress up" clothes and accessories for Isaac. He has an entire box full of all sorts of gear that one might need when looking to role play a character: pirate scarves, princess dresses, fireman hats, a construction belt, wigs of various colors, magic wands, etc. And when I saw the baseball helmet -seen above - at our local Goodwill, I knew it would be a welcome addition to our collection. What I didn't know was that Isaac would want to wear it everyday and everywhere. Or that this helmet, in addition to the thrifted leather baseball glove that we bought a few weeks earlier (also at Goodwill) would spark a rich enthusiasm for baseball in my little man.

Just last night Daddy and Isaac played "baseball" catch in the garage for well over an hour. It was such a pleasure to listen to the encouragements, giggles and praises. Then they came inside to finish watching the Red Sox game together (the Sox won that series - hooray). And as I watched the game with them, I reflected on how important baseball is to an American father/son relationship. I remember my Dad coaching little league for my brother's team. I remember him taking my brother to baseball games and buying him loads of baseball cards, etc. As a little girl, I tried hard to get into their inner baseball circle --- I collected the cards too, I watched Sox games, I wrote fan letters to Wade Boggs (its true), but sadly, I never was truly welcomed into their baseball world. But I am quite sure this time will be different - if I want it to be. I am sure that Isaac and Daddy would be glad to have me share their enthusiasm for the game ... to play catch ... and to root for the Sox. But maybe I will just watch from the sidelines and let this be their "thing".

I think Daddy is now looking forward to the time when I find a youth-sized football helmet at Goodwill. After all, the season has already begun and the Dolphins are 2 -2. Its fall - the perfect time to throw around the ole pigskin.

Enjoy the day.
Love,
Jodi

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Play - often and outside.

A lovely and talented friend of mine "from across the pond" tells me that August 6th, 2008 is National PlayDay in England. Playful events will take place throughout the country on that day. Many events are organized by England's National Children's Bureau whose motto is: "Letting children go out to play is one of the best things that parents can do for their children's health."

I SO agree. In fact, not so long ago I created a Flickr group called No Child Left Inside in order to bring parents and caretakers together to share photos and exchange information about exploring the wonder and beauty of the outdoors with our children. The group currently has over 150 members ... and some amazing photos. Please check it out.

Then ... get off the computer and get outside to play ;)

Love,

Jodi

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